Dear America,

So you have shitty credit huh? I’m sorry. It sucks, I know.  How do I know? Because I’ve been there. I’m not sure what exactly made your credit get so shitty, but for me it was mostly this Discover card I signed up for outside of my college one day. I remember I signed up because they were giving away free t-shirts and I liked the t-shirt. It was a dinosaur in roller skates and it said “Just skatin’ by!” on it. It was a fun t-shirt. But after a few years of “Discovering” way more than I was making three days a week at a coffee shop, I was deep in debt. I’m not gonna lie, it got pretty ugly there for a while, but I came out on top, and America, I think you can too. Here’s what you need to do:

1. Go off the grid.

Stop opening your mail. Close your bank account.  Get a pre-paid cellphone. Move into a railroad apartment in Greenpoint with 3 roommates and pay your rent in cash. This sounds weird right?  Cause you’re a big country and stuff? Well, It sounded weird to me at first too. I felt like a failure, a mess, an outlaw on the run.  But Greenpoint isn’t that bad! People will mistakenly talk to you in Polish and it will make you feel exotic.

2. Start waiting tables.

Two words: Cash tips. America, I’m sure you’re not gonna love being on your feet all day, dealing with cranky chefs or desperately waiting for that one table to finish slowly picking at their salads so you can finally drop the check even though you officially closed two hours ago. But when it comes to paying off debt, nothing beats waiting tables. Try to get a job at a place where nice people work and you can actually eat the food. And save that koosh America.  I put mine in my underwear drawer but you can use some cool secret hiding place in the White House or something.

3. Take improv classes

You know who doesn’t judge you for wearing the same shirt every day and always paying in cash like some kind of gang member? People who take improv classes. They’re a very accepting bunch. Who knows, America, maybe you’ll love improv as much as I did and end up doing it for the next 8 years? Either way it couldn’t hurt you to learn a little bit about Yes Anding.

4. Go out drinking a lot

A great way to get the whole debt thing off your mind is boozing it up. Between your new improv friends and the colorful characters you’ll be meeting in Greenpoint, you’ll have plenty of people to go out on the town with. And since you only use cash now, you won’t have to worry about getting drunk and forgetting your credit card at the bar. I’m just guessing here America, but your “holy shit I’m in debt” drink of choice is probably whiskey, right? Mine was gin and tonics.

5. Enjoy this odd sense of freedom for a while, but eventually fall in love and get your shit together

After a while, you’ll get used to this off the grid, fuck the man, lifestyle. You’ll hear people talking about things like health insurance premiums and orange savings accounts and you’ll smile and nod, but you won’t have any idea what they’re talking about. There will be a sort of joy in that ignorance. You’ll feel like Kerouac, because you think he probably didn’t have good credit either, right? And people loved him.

But one day, you’ll be in line at the post office getting a money order like a homeless person and a boy you really like will call you and ask you out on a date. And then you’ll fall super hard in love and it will make you want to be a better person. You’ll go back on the grid and start opening envelopes again and move out of Greenpoint and in with the boy and after a few years of paying bills you’ll be back in the green and it will feel great.

…..

So there you go America, hope this helps. Shitty credit isn’t that bad! Really the best part is all the drinking. Enjoy it! But then fall in love and get your shit together.